W.A.W.A. (Women Ask, We Answer) Part 1

Andrew

Zack


We sleep, we eat, we like booze, cars, and shit that blows up. We dabble in pornography and watch videos of other men getting hit in the balls by various objects. Oh, and we freebase cocaine. Betcha didn't know that, did ya? Sadly, our manliness has evolved into something that can only be described as a big ball of complicated crap. So we sought questions straight from the source. We asked women folk to ask us questions, anonymously, through the wonderful internet and we are here to answer away. Why you would want to actually go into the male mind I do not know, but you asked.

Do you think penis envy is real or just some term women use to make men compete?

Tough question right off the start…that’s just like a woman. Geez. Well here’s the thing about guys and our junk. Somewhere in the back of every man’s head is a voice that hates our penis. Maybe it’s too small, maybe it’s too big, maybe it isn’t wide enough, etc, etc, etc. However, we honestly don’t spend too much time wondering or worrying about other dude’s junk. We don’t compete amongst ourselves to prove our dick is the best; we do it just to be the best. Competing is in our DNA. Even if we do act all macho, and even if we are the alpha-male, in the back of our minds most of us still feel inadequate about our dick size.  However, having a big dick is equated with manliness, so there is an ounce of truth to penis envy. But just like an Asian male, there isn’t much to it.

If you’re talking about penis envy in the Freudian sense than I guess you’re disappointed that you were born with a beaver instead of a schlong. Don’t be. Having a dick is like having a pissed off midget that hangs out in your boxers and only wakes up when interesting shit happens.

Also, this is what happens when you feed it after midnight or get water on it. Still jealous?

Or if you were referring to what my Kosher co-author wrote then he may be correct. Sure, the size of our hammer may be in the back of our minds but its better just to go about your business and deal with what you have. Besides, I have huge nose. You know what they say about that…I need big tissues. In the long run you can be hung like a donkey but have the personality of one and that’s really not going to do shit. When was the last time you’ve seen a donkey having sex? Never, that’s when…Wait, what do you mean you’ve seen a donkey having sex? What part of Tijuana did to vacation in?!

What makes a girl “fat”?

Every warning light in my head is going off right now. As men, we learn quickly to never use the f-word around females. No good can come from it. “Zack, do I look fat to you?” If I answer no, you won’t believe me, and if I answer yes, well…I don’t want to think about it all right so back off! However, f…fff…fa…fat is a relative term so I had to come up with a relative answer.  Some guys like their women a bit thicker and some guys like their women a bit thicker with a side of fries and a shake. Giggle. Whatever. So assuming fat carries a negative connotation, a girl is fat to a guy when her curves go from hot to not. Like I said, some guys don’t like curves and some guys saw a circle in preschool and never looked back. So yeah. Moving on.

Christ, the dreaded “f” word. For the sake of my own sanity I will now refer to it as phat. There, now we’re all happy. Now, every man has his own idea of perfection and attractive features in a mate. I for one love curves, but there is also a limit.

 A wild Snorlax appears.

Some guys can take the rapper approach to things and go ape shit for some junk in the trunk. Yeah…phat. Personally, when I can rest my beer on your ass and not worry about it falling over I draw the line. Long story short, every man has his own definition of fat. Just please stop asking us if you look fat in that dress and just believe us if we say no.

Is more than a handful really a waste or the bigger the better?

When it comes to boobs, there are two types of men in this world.  Men who believe that the bigger the boobs, the better they are and then there are men who believe in proportions and back support. Anything much larger than a handful, while I feel that waste is a strong word is unnecessary. However, so long as they are still perky, men are ok with 90% of all breasts. So again, assuming perkiness, as long as I can see your face or that brick wall doesn’t have more curves than you, your breasts are fantastic.

Thank you, Zack. The word “perky” is the key term when it comes to titonies. To me there is such thing as too big. The higher cup sizes tend to get screwed by our good friend gravity. There is something about perky breasts that naturally attract guys. No matter what the size, you’re good to go. Seriously, there is no such thing as bad pizza and there is no such thing as a bad pair of breasts; no matter how bad, they’re still pretty good.

Do you ever find it annoying when a girl demands that you be chivalrous towards her but at the same time advocates that women should be treated as equals?

Well it depends really. If you expect me to open doors for you, and other such nonsense because you have two X chromosomes then I’m just not going to consider you an equal. I’ll open the door for you if I get there first because it’s nice and the right thing to do. I’d expect the same from you. If you want me to treat you differently because you are a woman then I will, but that’s not always going to be for the best. If I like you, I will treat you with respect because that’s how we should treat people.

I disagree with the Jew. I was raised an old school Italian which means one thing: you treat your women with as much over the top respect as possible or your mother will beat your ass raw with a wooden spoon.

No! Non è il cucchiaio!

No lie, I’ve heard the same speech from my mother since I hit puberty sometime last week (tee hee). If I’m not holding the door or carrying your purse around like “that guy”, my job is not complete. Yes, I’m old school but that’s rare to find nowadays.  Yes, I’m putting you on a pedestal. But isn’t that part of my job as a man? Our main function as your boyfriend is to make you happy and feel one of a kind. The little things in life will do that, even if I have to walk around Charlotte Russe with your pink handbag. Just please have sex with me after making me do that so I can remember that I own a pair of testicles.

Do guys like it when girls are bold enough to ask them out?

Absolutely. Asking a guy out displays that, “I know what I want and I’m going to get it”, attitude.  Why should the guy have to be the one to ask a girl out? Again, if you want to be treated differently because you are a woman you had better realize that not all of the consequences will be positive. So I for one am all for ladies taking a more active role in initiating relationships.

Oh hell yes. Nothing gets my attention more than a very confident female who can take charge and get what she wants; but sadly it’s becoming a rare thing these days. This is unfortunate for guys like me who are too much of a pansy to walk over there and get your number (unless of course I am drunk. Then I turn into Steve McQueen). There is no limit to how confident you can be. Just don’t hold me at gunpoint. I don’t need anymore Vietnam flashbacks…

Why is it so hard for men to be faithful? 

I know I’ve been joking around but given the nature of the question I’m going to take this one seriously. This question is about men cheating so I won’t bring up that women cheat too. Why do men cheat? I feel like each situation presents its own unique reasons. There has been a library of books written on this one subject.  I guess I’ll list the two most common ones. One, a lot of guys are just jackasses. If they can get twice the amount of ass, they don’t care who gets hurt. The other main reason is that men are constantly seeking validation from women.  Validation that we are funny, smart, attractive, etc. Even when we are dating one girl, we want validation from others.  Often times this does not lead to cheating. However, sometimes we let that slip over and things go too far.  So that’s the long and the short of it. I feel like I can’t do this topic justice in this short amount of space. Sorry ladies.

He said it: validation. Guys still like to know we are attractive to that opposite sex. Yes, this will often lead to late night chats with random girls behind your backs but rarely goes past that. The only real reason it leads to sex is if the guy is a real shithead. Let’s put it this way, who is more likely to cheat on you, me or the Situation? That’s right, The Situation. Because the Situation is a jackass looking to score as many loose women and STD’s as he possibly can. This is what I like to refer to as a “Trophy Whore”, one who only uses girls as trophies to add to his collection. Sadly, girls would rather keep getting cheated on for some reason and it drives me friggin’ insane. STOP IT!!!!