Debunking Cosmo: Hottest Texts

Andrew
Zack

Women. Without a doubt the most confusing thing in the known universe to men. In fact, John Wayne, THE man's man once said, "I've had three wives, six children and six grandchildren and I still don't understand women". Let's face it, there is no hope. We have a better chance of mastering quantum physics than we do of understanding what goes down in the female brain. This is clear nowhere better than in Cosmopolitan magazine. This shit hole of a publication is designed to provide women with “advice” and “tips” on how to deal with various female issues, including us men. It, more often than not, gets everything completely fucking wrong. In an effort to help dispel this terrible advice, Andrew and Zack present the first blog in a series known as Debunking Cosmo.  Here are some text messages Cosmo believe constitute “The Hottest” texts you can send a guy:

“I know you're busy today, but can you add one thing to your to-do list? Me.”
Yes. I'll be sure to schedule you in between dry humping my secretary and filing these god damn TPS reports.

Listen ladies. I will make this perfectly clear. If we are with you, doing you is ALWAYS on our to-do-list. Always. In fact, you can find it right near the top of our list, right before remembering to breathe.

“Just got out of the shower. Why don't you come over and help me get dirty again?”
Woman, do you not how much our water bill is? Any more of this and its sponge baths in the sink for you.

No real problems here. Yes, I will gladly help you get dirty again. My only real problem is why you didn't call me over in the first place.

“In 30 minutes I'll be getting off. Will you be here to join in the fun?”
Uh, can you wait to get off for when I'm there? You are capable of multiple orgasms; planning should not be this strict.

Well this makes me feel incredibly unneeded. It’s like an ultimatum really. I'm getting off in 30 minutes with or without you. And why does it have to be 30 minutes? Do our sex sessions have to be planned now? A simple, come over I wanna fuck would be hotter. At this point, you might have well sent a calendar event to my blackberry.

“Wish you were here... [With a picture of your inner thigh or cleavage — without showing anything X-rated.]”
Look ladies, a picture of your inner thigh will not convince me to drop the beer and run over there. The cleavage, however, may work. Good job. I'm proud of you.

For the 10 hottest texts this one fails horribly. Try a picture of you in sexy underwear in another room in the house saying come get some. That's sexy. Cleavage, while nice and always appreciated is not the hottest thing out there. We are guys, we like X-rated.

“Had a very dirty dream about you last night. Let's reenact it tonight.”
No. My ass still hurts from last time. And if you ask me to be Edward Cullen one more god damn time I'm going to bang your sister.

This one isn't actually half-bad. I would actually be excited to read something like this. But I don't think it qualifies for hottest text. I won’t be saving this to my phone.

“See if you can decipher this abbreviation: OMG IWUIM”
Oh my god. I want unlimited international mobile? Look, I told you before; I'm not switching to Verizon. Take me off your call list.

I don't know how many words there are for retarded, but I need them all right now. First, don't ever use OMG in reference to our sex life. Not interested in fucking a 16 year old. Second, the point of the sexy text is just raw sex appeal. I don't wanna have to work for it. That's like telling me I can get breakfast in bed, but first I have to go buy the shit from the store.

“Using one hand to write this text and press the send button. Using the other hand to press MY button...”
Wait, what button? The easy button? Honey, that’s just a commercial. Now let’s hurry this up, those dishes aren't going to wash themselves.

*twitch* I actually gagged reading this. Don't ever send this to anyone. It’s corny, it’s lame, and once again it makes me feel unneeded. Cool...you're getting yourself off...and this involves me how? Also, if I’ve ever failed to get you off I now feel like a total failure. You can get yourself off while texting, when I couldn’t using every tool I have. Fan-fucking-tastic.

“Practicing yoga poses...totally naked. Wanna see how flexible I am?”
I bet ya 5 bucks my lotus position can kick your lotus position's ass.

Not terrible here. Could be improved. For example, just text me, telling me you want me to help you with a yoga pose. I won't be too excited but when I walk in and you’re naked in downward dog...

“Just went to the bathroom at the [bar/party/restaurant] and took off my underwear. One less thing for you to remove tonight...”
Baby, aren't you at a funeral? What the fuck...

I was unaware the removing panties was a difficult step. This is flirting with that sexy/trashy line. Use at your own risk.